2 min read




CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase. He reaches the door of the PRINCE’s room. he flings it open.

FIRST GUARD: Ah! Now … we’re not allowed to …

SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other guard who collapses in a heap. Hiccoughs quietly.

SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the PRINCE, averting his head.

LAUNCELOT: Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot, from the Court of Camelot. I have come to take you … (he looks up for the first time and his voice trails away) away … I’m terribly sorry …

PRINCE: You got my note!

LAUNCELOT: Well … yes …

PRINCE: You’ve come to rescue me?

LAUNCELOT: Well … yes … but I hadn’t realized …

PRINCE (his eyes light up): I knew that someone would come. I knew … somewhere out there … there must be …

MUSIC INTRO to song.

FATHER (suddenly looking in the door): Stop that!

Music cuts out.

FATHER sees SIR LAUNCELOT still kneeling before his son.

FATHER: Who are you?

PRINCE: I’m … your son …

FATHER: Not you.

LAUNCELOT (half standing self-consciously): I’m … er … Sir Launcelot, sir.

PRINCE: He’s come to rescue me, father.

LAUNCELOT (embarrassed): Well, let’s not jump to conclusions …

FATHER: Did you kill all those guards?

LAUNCELOT: Yes … I’m very sorry …

FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each!

LAUNCELOT: Well, I’m really am most awfully sorry but I … I can explain everything …

PRINCE: Don’t be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I’ve got a rope here all ready …

He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the room. He looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all ready.

FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

LAUNCELOT: Er, Well … the thing is … I thought your son was a lady.

FATHER: I can understand that.

PRINCE (half out of the window): Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot!

FATHER (to his SON): Shut up!

FATHER (to LAUNCELOT): You only killed the bride’s father - that’s all -

LAUNCELOT: Oh dear, I didn’t really mean to…

FATHER: Didn’t mean to? You put your sword right through his head!

LAUNCELOT: Gosh - Is he all right?

FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! It’s going to cost me a fortune!

LAUNCELOT: I can explain … I was in the forest … riding north from Camelot … when I got this note.

FATHER: Camelot? Are you from Camelot?

The PRINCE’s head peeps over the windowsill.

PRINCE: Hurry!

LAUNCELOT: I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

FATHER: ‘Mm … very nice castle, Camelot … very good pig country….


PRINCE (out of vision): I am ready, Sir Launcelot.

FATHER: Do you want to come and have a drink?

LAUNCELOT: Oh … that’s awfully nice.

PRINCE (out of view) (loud and shrill): I am ready!

As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts with his knife. There is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground.

LAUNCELOT: It’s just that when I’m in this genre, I tend to get over-excited and start to leap around and wave my sword about … and …

FATHER: Oh, don’t worry about that … Tell me … doesn’t Camelot own that stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT’s shoulders as they go though the door.