4 min read




The boat carries them across a magical lake. They land and get out of the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to their knees.

Crescendo on music.

ARTHUR: God be praised! The deaths of many find knights have this day been avenged.

Music swells. They bend their heads in prayer, before the castle for which they have searched for so long. Suddenly a voice comes from the battlements.

Music cuts dead.

FROG: Ha ha! Hello! Smelly English K…niggets … and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

The KNIGHTS look up.

FROG: We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English mousedropping hoarders … how you say: “Begorrah!”

ARTHUR stands and shouts.

ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the Sacred Castle, to which God himself has guided us!

ARTHUR (he turns to the KNIGHTS): Come.

ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle.

FROG: How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser, so, you think you could out-clever us French fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behavior.

FROG (blows a raspberry): I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-colored, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.

By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door. ARTHUR bangs on the door.

ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle.

Jeering from the battlements.

FROG: No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms!

French laughter.

ARTHUR: If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force …

A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR. He tries to retain his dignity.

ARTHUR: In the name of God … and the glory of our …

Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.

ARTHUR: … Right!

ARTHUR (to the KNIGHTS): That settles it!

They turn and walk away. French jeering follows them.

FROG: Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets of your testicles already.

ARTHUR (to KNIGHTS): Walk away. Just ignore them.

ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off. A small hail of chickens, watercress, badgers and mattresses follows them. But they are on their dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees.

FROG: And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain’t heard nothing yet, dappy k…niggets, and A. King Esquire.

CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake. He rises up into SHOT.

*BRIDGEKEEPER**: He would cross the sea of fate, must answer me these questions twenty-eight.

CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two CONSTABLES.

INSPECTOR: All right, put him in the van.

THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away. French taunts still audible in the distance.

FRENCH: You couldn’t catch clap in a brothel, silly English K…niggets …

ARTHUR (to BEDEVERE): We shall attack at once.

BEDEVERE: Yes, my liege.

BEDEVERE (he turns): Stand by for attack!!

CUT TO enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege towers, pennants flying, shouts of “Stand by for attack!” Traditional army build-up shots. The shouts echo across the ranks of the army. We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

ARTHUR: Who are they?

BEDEVERE: Oh, just some friends!

We end up back with ARTHUR. He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready.

PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the wind. Some of the horses whinny nervously, and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR is satisfied at last. He addresses the castle.

ARTHUR: French persons! Today the blood of many valiant knights shall bee avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those whom God has chosen.

ARTHUR (lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY): CHARGE!

The mighty ARMY charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of coconuts. Shouts etc.

They charge towards the castle.

Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop them. TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN’S WIFE. Black Marias skid up behind them.

The ARMY halts.

HISTORIAN’S WIFE: They’re the ones, I’m sure.


The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria.

SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head. They are bundled into the black maria and the van drives off.

The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM (picks up megaphone): All right! Clear off! Go on!

A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM: Move along. There’s nothing to see! Keep moving!

Suddenly he notices the cameras.

As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the KNIGHTS huddled inside.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM (to Camera): All right, put that away sonny.

He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.

The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the screen.

There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds.