From Monty Python’s Flying Circus and “And Now for Something Completely Different”
Transcribed by Dave Bregman; Edited by Malcolm Dickinson
Customer: Hello, is this the Barbershop Sketch?
Barber: Y-y-yes sir. B-b-b-be with you in a minute.
(The barber is now washing and re-washing his hands, trying to remove the obvious blood-stains from them and his coat.)
Barber: H-h-how would you like it sir?
Customer: Just short back and sides.
Barber: How do you do that?
Customer: Oh, you know, just short back and sides.
Barber: It’s not a.. a razor cut, RAZOR CUT BLOOD ARTERY MURDER SPUrt..arr…
Customer: No, just ordinary short back and sides, you know…
Barber: It’s just s-s-s-scissors then…
Customer: Yes.
Barber: You wouldn’t rather forget all about it?
Customer: What?
Barber: You wouldn’t prefer to have it just combed?
Customer: Oh, no.. I want something cut off!
Barber: Cut, CUT HEART HITCHCOCK MURDER BLOOD PSYCHO HOMICIDE SPURT ARTERY TREMOR CORTEX Arrrgg…!
(The barber fakes a few quick snips.)
Barber: There, finished.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Barber: I’ve finished cutting, cutting, CUTTING, CUTTING YOUR HAIR!
Customer: Well, you haven’t even done any cutting yet.
Barber: All right, I confess I didn’t cut your hair. I hate hair. I-I I can’t bear cutting it. I have this uncontrolable fear whenever I see hair. My mother said I was a fool! She said the only way to overcome my fear would be to become a barber. I didn’t want to be a barber.
Barber: I wanted to be… A LUMBERJACK!
(music up)