From “Monty Python Live at City Center” and “Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl”
Notes from the Transcriber:
- “Abbos” is derisive slang for the aborigones.
- “Pommeyland” is England.
- “Poofters” are homosexuals.
G’day, Bruce!
Oh, Hello Bruce!
How are you Bruce?
A bit crooked, Bruce.
Where’s Bruce?
He’s not ‘ere, Bruce.
Blimey, it’s hot in here, Bruce.
Hot enough to boil a monkey’s bum!
That’s a strange expression, Bruce.
Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. “It’s hot enough to boil a monkey’s bum in here, your Majesty,” he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
She’s a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
Here! Here’s the boss-fellow now!
‘Ow are you, Bruce?
G’day Bruce!
Bruce.
Hello Bruce.
Bruce.
How are you, Bruce?
G’day Bruce.
Gentleman, I’d like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin’ us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.
(Everyone) G’day!
Hello.
Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
Is your name not Bruce?
No, it’s Michael.
That’s going to cause a little confusion.
Mind if we call you “Bruce” to keep it clear?
Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I’d like to ask the padre for a prayer.
Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!
Amen!
Crack two! (Bottles opening)
Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.
I’d like to welcome the pommey bastard to God’s own Earth, and remind him that we don’t like stuck-up sticky-bates here.
(Everyone) Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!
Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.
What’s New-Bruce going to teach?
New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton, Lockholm, Sackly, Millbo, Hasset, and Bernerd.
Those are all cricketers!
Aww, spit!
Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!
(Everyone) Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!
Another two! (Bottles opening)
Any questions?
New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?
Are you a Poofter?
No!
No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
- Rule One! (Everyone) No Poofters!
- Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all – if there’s anybody watching.
- Rule Three? (Everyone) No Poofters!!
- Rule Four, now this term, I don’t want to catch anybody not drinking.
- Rule Five, (Everyone) No Poofters!
- Rule Six, there is NO … Rule Six.
- Rule Seven, (Everyone) No Poofters!!
Right, that concludes the readin’ of the rules, Bruce.
This here’s the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
Amen!
All four Bruces launch into the Philosopher’s song
Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There’s nothing Nieizsche couldn’t teach ‘ya ‘bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, ‘alf a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: “I drink, therefore I am.”
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he’s pissed.