From “The Instant Monty Python Record Collection”
Transcribed by Malcolm Dickinson
(a customer walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through “Rogue Herrys” by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: ‘Ee, Ah wor ‘ungry-loike!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, “a little fermented curd will do the trick,” so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
C: ‘Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, ‘yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
O: I’m, a-fraid we’re fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: I’m afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
O: Ah! It’s beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: ‘T’s Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton?
C: Ementhal? Gruyere?
C: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
C: White Stilton?
C: Danish Brew?
C: Double Goucester?
O: (pause) No.
C: Dorset Bluveny?
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
C: Camenbert, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It’s..ah,…..it’s a bit runny…
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It’s very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
O: I…think it’s a bit runnier than you’ll like it, sir.
C: I don’t care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh……..! (pause)
C: What now?
O: The cat’s eaten it.
C: (pause) Has he.
O: She, sir.
C: Case Ness?
C: Smoked Austrian?
C: Japanese Sage Darby?
O: No, sir.
C: You…do have some cheese, don’t you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It’s a cheese shop, sir. We’ve got–
C: No no… don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
C: Ah, well, I’ll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that’s my name.
C: Greek Feta?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
C: Paper Cramer,
C: Danish Bimbo,
C: Czech sheep’s milk,
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not today, sir, no.
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don’t get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca–It’s the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not ‘round here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese ‘round hyah?
O: ‘Illchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it’s staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
C: Is it.
O: It’s our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh…‘Illchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. ‘Have you got any?’ he asked, expecting the answer ‘no’.
O: I’ll have a look, sir… nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It’s not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it’s so clean, sir!
C: It’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese….
O: (brightly) You haven’t asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be….
C: Have you –SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir….
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven’t.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-O, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
C: What a senseless waste of human life.