From “Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl” and “Monty Python Live at City Center 1974”
Transcribed by Bret Shefter
Inspector: ‘ELLO!
Mr. Hilton: ‘Ello.
Inspector: Mr. ‘ilton?
Hilton:** A-yes?
I: You are the sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
H: I am, yes.
I: Constable Clitoris and I are from the ‘ygiene squad, and we’d like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the “Whizzo Quality Assortment”.
H: Oh, yes.
I: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty. (pause) But we can’t prosecute you for that.
H: Ah, agreed.
I: Then we have number four. Number four: Crunchy Frog.
H: Yes.
I: Am I right in thinking there’s a real frog in ‘ere?
H: Yes, a little one.
I: What sort of frog?
H: A…a dead frog.
I: Is it cooked?
H: No.
I: What, a RAW frog?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
I: That’s as may be, but it’s still a frog!
H: What else?
I: Well, don’t you even take the bones out?
H: If we took the bones out, it wouldn’t be crunchy, would it?
I: Constable Clitoris et one of those!! We have to protect the public!
C: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, Sir? (exits)
I: We have to protect the public! People aren’t going to think there’s a real frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl! They’re bound to expect some sort of mock frog!
H: (outraged) MOCK frog!?! We use NO artificial additives or preservatives of ANY kind!
I: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words “Crunchy Frog” with the legend, “Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog” if you wish to avoid prosecution!
H: What about our sales?
I: FUCK your sales! We’ve got to protect the public! Now what about this one, number five, it was number five, wasn’t it? Number five: Ram’s Bladder Cup. (beat) Now, what sort of confectionery is that?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram’s bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with lark’s vomit.
I: LARK’S VOMIT?!?!?
H: Correct.
I: It doesn’t say anything here about lark’s vomit!
H: Ah, it does, at the bottom of the label, after “monosodium glutamate”.
I: I hardly think that’s good enough! I think it’s be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label: “WARNING: LARK’S VOMIT!!!”
H: Our sales would plummet!
I: (screaming) Well why don’t you move into more conventional areas of confectionary??!!
(the constable returns)
I: Like Praline, or, or Lime Creme, a very popular flavor, I’m lead to understand. Or Raspberry Lite. I mean, what’s this one, what’s this one? ‘Ere we are: Cockroach Cluster! – – Anthrax Ripple!
C: MMMMWWWAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!
(the young constable has just thrown up into his helmet. This is the longest continuous vomit seen on Broadway since John Barrymore puked over Laertes in the second act of Hamlet in 1941.)
I: (continuing) And what is this one: Spring Surprise?
H: Ah, that’s one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.
I: (stunned) Well where’s the pleasure in THAT?!? If people pop a nice little chockie into their mouth, they don’t expect to get their cheeks pierced!!! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
H: (shrugging) It’s a fair cop.
I: And DON’T talk to the audience.