From “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” and “Monty Python’s Previous Record”
Transcribed by Jonathan Partington
Television Host (Graham Chapman): Good evening. Tonight - dinosaurs. I have here sitting in the studio next to me an elk. Aaagghhhh! Oh, I’m sorry, Anne Elk, Mrs. Anne Elk.
Miss Elk (John Cleese, as a very prim lady): Miss.
Host: Miss Anne Elk, who is an expert on the…
Elk: No, no, no, Anne Elk.
Host: What?
Elk: Anne Elk, not Anne Expert.
Host: No, no, I was saying that you, Miss Elk, were an, A.N. not A.N.N.E., expert…
Elk: Oh!
Host: …on elks - I’m sorry, on dinosaurs.
Elk: Yes, I certainly am, Chris, how very true, my word yes!
Host: Now, Miss Elk - Anne - you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Elk: Could I just say, Chris, for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?
Host: Er… exactly. What is it?
Elk: Where?
Host: No, no, no. What is your theory?
Elk: Oh, what is my theory?
Host: Yes.
Elk: Oh what is my theory, that it is. Yes, well you may well ask, what is my theory.
Host: (slightly impatient) I am asking.
Elk: And well you may. Yes my word you may well ask what it is, this theory of mine. Well, this theory that I have–that is to say, which is mine–…is mine.
Host: (more impatient) I know it’s yours. What is it?
Elk: Where? Oh, what is my theory?
Host: Yes!
Elk: Oh, my theory that I have follows the lines I am about to relate. (Coughs) Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.
Host: Oh God.
Elk: Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. [Impatient noises from Host] The Theory, by A. Elk. That’s A for Anne, it’s not by a elk.
Host: Right….
Elk: This theory which belongs to me is as follows. Ahem. Ahem. This is how it goes. Ahem. The next thing that I am about to say is my theory. Ahem. Ready?
(Host moans)
Elk: The Theory by A. Elk brackets Miss brackets. My theory is along the following lines.
Host: Oh God.
Elk: All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much MUCH thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine, and what it is too.
Host: That’s it, is it?
Elk: Right, Chris.
Host: Well, Anne, this theory of yours seems to have hit the nail on the head.
Elk: And it’s mine.
Host: (ironical) Thank you for coming along to the studio.
Elk: My pleasure, Chris.
Host: Er…Britain’s newest wasp farm…
Elk: It’s been a lot of fun.
Host: …opened last week…
Elk: Saying what my theory is.
Host: Yes, thank you.
Elk: And whose it is.
Host: Yes. …opened last week…
Elk: I have another theory.
Host: Not today, thank you.
Elk: My theory number two, which is the second theory that I have. Ahem! This theory…
Host: Oh look…shut up!
Elk: …is what I am about to say…
Host: Oh please shut up!
Elk: …which, with what I have said, are the two theories that are mine and belong to me.
Host: Look, if you don’t shut up I shall shoot you.
Elk: Ahem! My brace of theories, which I possess the ownership of, which belongs to me…
(BANG!)
(Pause)
Elk: Ahem. The Theory the Second by Anne…
(MACHINE GUN FIRE)