From the first series of Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Transcribed by Jonathan Partington; Additions by Steve Okay
Continued from It’s the Arts – Cinema
Host (Eric Idle): Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world’s leading modern composers, Arthur ‘Two sheds’ Jackson. Mr Jackson.
Jackson (Terry Jones): Hello.
Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This – what shall I call it – nickname of yours…
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: “Two sheds”. How did you come by it?
Jackson: Well, I don’t use it myself, but some of my friends call me “Two Sheds”.
Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?
Jackson: No, I’ve only got one. I’ve had one for some time, but a few year ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me “Two Sheds”.
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Jackson: Yes.
Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?
Jackson: (impatient) No!
Host: …To bring you in line with your epithet?
Jackson: No.
Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?
Jackson: (surprised) No!
Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
Jackson: No, no, not at all. It’s just an ordinary garden shed.
Host: I see, I see. And you’re thinking of buying this second shed to write in!
Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business – it doesn’t really matter. The sheds aren’t important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that’s all there is to it. I wish you’d ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They’ve got it out of proportion – I’m a composer. I’m going to get rid of the shed. I’m fed up with it!
Host: Then you’ll be Arthur ‘No Sheds’ Jackson, eh?
Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don’t matter.
Host: (sternly):_ Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.
Jackson:What?
Host: Apprently your symphony was written for tympani and organ….
(Picture of a shed appears on the screen behind them)
Jackson: (turning around) What’s that!?!?!???
Host: (innocently) What’s what?
Jackson: Its a shed!!…get it off!! get it off!!
(Interviewer motions to picture, and it is replaced by a picture of Jackson him self)
Jackson: (Grudgingly) All right…Thats better..
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.
Jackson: What?
Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.
Jackson: Well what’s that got to do with my bloody music?
John Cleese: (entering) Are you having any trouble with him?
Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You’re the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.
Cleese: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, “Two Sheds”.
Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, “Two Sheds”. This studio isn’t big enough for the three of us!
(They throw him out.)
Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! (Crash.)
Cleese: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!
Host: Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson… Never mind, Timmy.
Cleese: Oh Mike, you’re such a comfort.