From “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”
Transcribed by Malcolm Dickinson; Edited by R. “GUMBY” Preston
Voice Over: Number ninety-seven: a radio.
Radio Announcer: And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama series, “The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.” Part One: The Beginning.
Man’s voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?
Woman’s voice: I am!
(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)
(music fades up and out)
Announcer: Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of “The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots”, coming up…almost immediately.
(sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman screaming. Suddenly it is silent.)
Man’s voice: I think she’s dead.
Woman’s voice: No I’m not!
(sounds of physical harm and screaming start again.)
(music fades up and out)
Announcer: that was episode two of “The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots”, specially adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier. And now, Radio Four will explode.
(The radio explodes.)
(Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. One looks at the other:)
1: We’ll have to watch the Telly-vision!
2: Aaaaw. (sound of agreement)
(they turn the couch so it’s facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)
1 & 2: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh… mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh
1: What’s that on top of the telly-vision set?
2: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.
2: It’s been a long time there, now, has it?
1: What’s it doin’ there?
1: I can see that!
1: If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly-vision set.
2: Ummmm. I hadn’t thought of that.
1: Unless it’s a male.
2: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
1: Per’aps it’s from next door.
2: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don’t come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!
1: (yet louder) BURMA!!!
(they both stop short, looking around)
2: Why’d’j say that?
1: I panicked.
1: Per’aps it’s from the zoo.
2: Which zoo?
1: (angrily) ‘ow should I know which zoo it’s from?!? I’m not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!
2: ‘Oo’s Doctor bloody Bernofsky?
1: He knows everything.
2: Oooh, I wouldn’t like that, that’d take all the mystery out of life.
2: Besides, if it were from the zoo, it’d have “property of the zoo” stamped on it.
1: They don’t stamp animals “property of the zoo”!! You can’t stamp a huge lion “property of the zoo”!!
2: (confidently) They stamp them when they’re small.
1: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?
2: Lions don’t moult.
1: No, but penguins do. THERE! I’ve run rings around you logically.
2: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!
(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)
Man: Hello! Well, it’s just after eight o’clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
(the penguin explodes)
1: ‘Ow did ‘e know that was going to happen?!
Man: It was an educated guess. And now:
Voice Over: Number ninety-eight: the nape of the neck.