From “Monty Python’s Previous Record”
Transcribed by Jonathan Partington
Game Show Host (John Cleese): Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim. First this evening we have Mr. Norman Voles of Gravesend who claims he wrote all Shakespeare’s works. Mr Voles, I understand you claim that you wrote all those plays normally attributed to Shakespeare?
Voles (Michael Palin): That is correct. I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets.
Host: Mr. Voles, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you, Mr Voles?
Voles: 43.
Host: Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born?
Voles: Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground.
Host: Ah!
Voles: There’s no possible way of answering that argument, I’m afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular point, but I can see you’re more than a match for me!
Host: Mr. Voles, thank you very much for coming along.
Voles: My pleasure.
Host: Next we have Mr. Bill Wymiss who claims to have built the Taj Mahal.
Wymiss (Eric Idle): No.
Host: I’m sorry?
Wymiss: No. No.
Host: I thought you cla…
Wymiss: Well I did but I can see I won’t last a minute with you.
Host: Next…
Wymiss: I was right!
Host: … we have Mrs. Mittelschmerz of Dundee who cla… Mrs. Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?
Mittelschmerz (Graham Chapman in drag): That I can burrow through an elephant.
Host: (Pause) Now you’ve changed your claim, haven’t you. You know we haven’t got an elephant.
Mittelschmerz: (Insincerely) Oh, haven’t you? Oh dear!
Host: You’re not fooling anybody, Mrs. Mittelschmerz. In your letter you quite clearly claimed that … er … you could be thrown off the top of Beachy Head into the English Channel and then be buried.
Mittelschmerz: No, you can’t read my writing.
Host: It’s typed.
Mittelschmerz: It says ‘elephant’.
Host: Mrs. Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show, and I’m not prepared to simply sit here bickering. Take her away, Heinz!
Mittelschmerz: Here, no, leave me alone!
(Sound of wind and sea)
Mittelschmerz: Oooaaahh! (SPLOSH)