6 min read




From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the fact he is trapped.


GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him smilingly and wave.

Zoot and Girlies


ZOOT: Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT: Yes. It’s not a very good name, is it? But we are nice and we shall attend to your every … every need!


GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT: The what? But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!


ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET AND CRAPPER (groveling with delight): Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

ZOOT: Away varletesses!

ZOOT (to GALAHAD): The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

GALAHAD: Well, look er, I …

ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD: Er … Sir Galahad… the Chaste.

ZOOT: Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot

She is very close to him for a moment.

ZOOT: But come.

She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading to the bedchamber.

GALAHAD: Well Look, I’m afraid I really ought to be …

ZOOT: Sir Galahad!!

There is a gasp from the other GIRLS.

ZOOT: You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS. They are clearly on the verge of being offended.


ZOOT (she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows): I’m afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life … bathing … dressing … undressing … making exciting underwear….

They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber. ZOOT turns

Zoot and Sir Galahad

ZOOT: We are just not used to handsome knights …

She notices him limping.

ZOOT: But you are wounded!

GALAHAD: No, It’s nothing!

ZOOT: You must see the doctors immediately.

She claps again.

ZOOT: You must lie down.

She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the room. They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They approach GALAHAD.

PIGLET: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD: They’re doctors?

ZOOT: They have a basic medical training, yes. Now you must try to rest. Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet! Practice your art!!

WINSTON: Try to relax.

GALAHAD: No look, really, this isn’t nescess …

PIGLET: We must examine you.

GALAHAD: There’s nothing wrong with … that.

Winston and Piglet

PIGLET (slightly irritated): Please … we are doctors.

ZOOT reappears. GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax. Then there is a sharp boing from the lower part of his armor. WINSTON glances quickly in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the bed and collecting his armor, saying:

GALAHAD: No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET: Back to your bed! At once!

GALAHAD: I’m sorry, I must go.

GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs. He nods to them stiffly once or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY. He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:

GALAHAD: Good evening … Ah, Zoot! Er …

DINGO: No, I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.

GALAHAD: Oh. Well, I’m sorry, but I must leave immediately.

DINGO (very dramatically): No! Oh, no! Bad … bad Zoot.

GALAHAD: Er, why?

DINGO: She has been lying again … she told us you had promised to stay for ever!


GALAHAD: Oh … will you excuse me?

DINGO: Where are you going?

GALAHAD: I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!

DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad … bad Zoot!

GALAHAD: What is it?

DINGO: Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting fire to our beacon, which I have just remembered - is grail-shaped … It is not the first time we’ve had this problem.

GALAHAD: It’s not the real Grail?

DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot … she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment … you must tie her down on a bed … and spank her. Come!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then … spank me.

AMAZING: And spank me!

STUNNER: And me.

LOVELY: And me.

DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.

DINGO: And after the spanking … the oral sex.

GALAHAD: Oh, dear! Well, I…

GIRLS: The oral sex … The oral sex.

GALAHAD: Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD, possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD: Oh … hello …



LAUNCELOT: You are in great peril.

DINGO: No he isn’t

LAUNCELOT: Silence! Foul temptress!

GALAHAD: Well, she’s got a point.

LAUNCELOT: We’ll cover your escape!

GALAHAD: Look - I’m fine!

GIRLS: Sir Galahad!

He threatens DINGO.

GALAHAD: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

LAUNCELOT: Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

GALAHAD: No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

DINGO: Yes, let him handle us easily.

LAUNCELOT: No sir. Quick!

He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

GALAHAD: No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There’s only a hundred.

GIRLS: He will beat us easily. We haven’t a chance.

DINGO: Oh shit!

By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing area and are running through the outside door.

LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

GALAHAD (dragging his feet somewhat): I don’t think I was.

LAUNCELOT: You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

LAUNCELOT: It’s too perilous.

They are right outside the castle by now.

GALAHAD: Look, it’s my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

LAUNCELOT: No, no, we must find the Grail.

The thunderstorm is over. A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree with more MEN waiting. Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away with their coconuts. GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.

GALAHAD: Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT: No. It’s unhealthy.

GALAHAD: … I Bet you’re gay.

LAUNCELOT: No, I’m not.

GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT. VOICE comes in as they ride off.

VOICE OVER: Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal of their search for the Holy Grail. Only Bedevere and King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made any progress.