CUT TO impressive rock face with caves in it. The KNIGHTS are ‘riding’ towards it. A foreboding atmosphere supervenes. TIM gives a signal for quietness. ARTHUR shushes the ‘horses’.
ARTHUR: Shhh!
The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts for a few seconds. Then there is a burst of noise from them including whinnying.
BEDEVERE (to ARTHUR): They’re nervous, sire.
ARTHUR: Then we’d best leave them here and carry on on foot.
TIM takes a strange look at them. They walk on leaving the PAGES behind. After a few more strides TIM halts them with a sign.
TIM: Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!
CUT TO shot of cave. Bones littered around. The KNIGHTS get the wind up partially. A little dry ice, glowing green can be seen at the entrance. Suddenly we become aware of total silence. Any noises the KNIGHTS make sound very exaggerated. They unsheathe their swords.
ARTHUR: Keep me covered.
Stir among KNIGHTS.
BEDEVERE: What with?
ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.
TIM: Too late.
ARTHUR: What?
TIM: There he is!
They all turn, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the cave. Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There.
ARTHUR: Behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit.
ARTHUR: … You silly sod.
TIM: What?
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up.
BEDEVERE: You cretin!
TIM: That is not an ordinary rabbit … ‘tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit. I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: That rabbit’s got a vicious streak. It’s a killer!
GALAHAD: Oh, fuck off.
GALAHAD: Get stuffed.
TIM: He’ll do you up a treat mate!
GALAHAD: Oh yeah?
ROBIN: You turd!
ROBIN: Mangy scots git!
TIM: Look. I’m warning you.
ROBIN: What’s he do? Nibble your bum?
TIM: Well, It’s got huge … very sharp … it can jump a… look at the bones.
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors, chop its head off.
BORS: Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming up.
TIM: Look!
As TIM points they all spin round to see the RABBIT leap at BORS’ throat with an appalling scream. From a distance of about twenty feet there is a tin opening noise, a cry from BORS. A quick CLOSE-UP of a savage RABBIT biting through tin and BORS’ head flies off. The RABBIT leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking in the KNIGHTS’ direction and growling menacingly.
ARTHUR: Je…sus Christ!
TIM: I warned you!
ROBIN: I done it again.
TIM: Did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you knew better didn’t you? No, it’s just an ordinary rabbit isn’t it. The names you called me. Well, don’t say I didn’t tell you.
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up.
TIM (quietly): It’s always the same … if I’ve said it once.
ARTHUR: Charge!
They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT. A tremendous twenty second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are comprehensively killed.
ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!
ALL KNIGHTS (taking up cry): Run away! Run away!
They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks. TIM, some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.
TIM: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
ARTHUR: Who did we lose?
LAUNCELOT: Sir Gawain.
GALAHAD: Ector.
ARTHUR: And Bors. Five.
GALAHAD: Three, sir!
ARTHUR: Three. Well, we’ll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit’s dynamite.
ROBIN: Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.
ARTHUR: Shut up. Go and change your armor.
ROBIN leaves, walking strangely.
GALAHAD: Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ARTHUR: Like what?
GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.
GALAHAD: Do we have any bows?
ARTHUR: No.
LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ROBIN: The what?
ARTHUR: The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. ‘Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.
ALL: Yes. Of course.
ARTHUR (shouting): Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Slight pause. Then from the area where the ‘HORSES’ are, a small group of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused with the holy glow.
ARTHUR takes it. Pause.
ARTHUR: How does it … er …
LAUNCELOT: I know not.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments.
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.
ANOTHER MONK (reading from bible): And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying “O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. “ And the Lord did grin and people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and…
BROTHER MAYNARD: Skip a bit brother …
ANOTHER MONK: … Er … oh, yes … and the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
ARTHUR: Right.
He pulls Pin out. The MONK blesses the grenade as …
ARTHUR (quietly): One, two,
ARTHUR: three …
ARTHUR: five …
GALAHAD: Three, sir!
ARTHUR: Three.
ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT. There is an explosion and cheering from the KNIGHTS.
ALL KNIGHTS: Praise be to the lord. Huzzah!