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MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave. It is a large cave and as they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall. The KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD.

ARTHUR: There! Look!

BEDEVERE: What does it say?

GALAHAD: What language is this?

BEDEVERE: Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.


GALAHAD: Of course. Joseph of Aramathea!

ALL: Of course.

ARTHUR: What does it say?

BROTHER MAYNARD: It reads … “Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea.”


BROTHER MAYNARD: “He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh…”


BROTHER MAYNARD: “The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh…”

BEDEVERE: What’s that?

BROTHER MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.

BEDEVERE: Oh, come on.

BROTHER MAYNARD: That’s what it says.

ARTHUR (miming): But if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve “Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh”. He’d just say it.

BROTHER MAYNARD: It’s down there carved in stone.

GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.

ARTHUR: Shut up. Is that all it says?

BROTHER MAYNARD: That’s all. “Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh”.

ARTHUR: “Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh”.

BEDEVERE: Do you think he meant the Camargue?

GALAHAD: Where’s that?

BEDEVERE: France, I think.

LAUNCELOT: Isn’t there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh’s in Cornwall?

ARTHUR: No, that’s Saint Ives.

A muffled roar is heard.


BEDEVERE: No, that’s in Herefordshire.

ROBIN (more urgently): No … HEY!!!

LAUNCELOT: “Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh … “

ROBIN: No! “Hey”! is surprise and alarm!


LAUNCELOT: No “Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh … “ at the back of the throat.

BEDEVERE: No! “Oooooh!” in surprise and alarm!

He indicated the entrance of the cave. They all turn and look. There in the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon beast.



LAUNCELOT: What is it?

BEDEVERE: I know! I know! I Know!


BEDEVERE: It’s the … oh … (snaps his fingers as he tries to remember) it’s the … it’s on the tip of my tongue …

Another hideous roar.

BEDEVERE: That’s it!


BEDEVERE: It’s The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION. ARTHUR turns.

ARTHUR: Who was that?

HECTOR (from back of group; northern and helpful): It was Sir Alf.

ARTHUR: I didn’t know we had a Sir Alf.

HECTOR: He was feeding it bread.

ARTHUR (shouting back): Well, that was a very silly thing to do. Now the rest of you stand well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

HECTOR: Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

ROBIN: Look out.

The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them. The KNIGHTS retreat into the darkness of the cave.

GAWAIN (as they run): It’s only a cartoon.


They run off. Darkness. The MONSTER lumbering through on animation.

VOICE OVER: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when, suddenly … the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.

ANIMATOR: Aaaaagh!

VOICE OVER: The cartoon peril was no more … The Quest for Holy Grail could continue.

ANIMATED SEQUENCE. Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a distant opening to the cave. They reach the opening. It is day.