From “Monty Python live at Drury Lane”
Transcribed by Jonathan Partington
(Banal intro music)
Ghastly Quizmaster (Cleese): Hello, good evening and welcome to the very final edition of your favourite television quiz programme Spot the Braincell. Thirty minutes of cheerful ritual humiliation of the old and greedy. And could we have our first contestant, please!
(Piano chords. Hostess (Chapman in drag) escorts Old ratbag (Jones in drag) onto stage.)
Quizmaster: Ha ha ha … ha ha ha. Good evening, Madam! And your name is?
Ratbag: Yes, Michael.
Quizmaster: Ha ha ha! Jolly good – and what is your name?
Ratbag: I go to church regularly.
Quizmaster: Ha ha ha, I see. And which particular prize do you have eyes for this evening?
Ratbag: I’d like the blow on the head.
Quizmaster: The blow – on the head!
Ratbag: Yes, just there, where it hurts.
Quizmaster: Jolly good! Well now Madam your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: Which great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to a physical state and insists there is no point of contact between the extended and the unextended?
Ratbag: I don’t know that.
Quizmaster: Well – have a guess!
Ratbag: Oh… Henri Bergson?
Quizmaster: …is the correct answer! (Piano chords)
Ratbag: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.
Quizmaster: Ha ha ha!
Ratbag: I don’t like darkies.
Quizmaster: Ha ha ha (maniacal cackle) She doesn’t like darkies. Ha ha ha. Who does? Ha ha ha! Well now, Mrs. Scum, your second question for the blow on the head is: What is the main food eaten by penguins? What is the principal food that penguins eat?
Ratbag: Pork luncheon meat.
Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Spam.
Quizmaster: No, no, no, no. Penguins. Penguins.
Ratbag: Horses.
Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Armchairs.
Quizmaster: No, no. All right, take it easy. I’ll give you a clue. (Does fish impression, opening and closing mouth, puffing up face etc.)
Ratbag: Oh, I know, I know, I know! Brian Clough!
Quizmaster: No, ha ha, no.
Ratbag: Brian Johnstone.
Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Brian Inglis.
Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Brian Forbes.
Quizmaster: No, ha ha.
Ratbag: Nanette Newman.
Quizmaster: No, ha ha (cackles). No, now listen, I’ll give you one more clue, one more clue. What lives in the sea and gets caught in nets?
Ratbag: Goats.
Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.
Quizmaster: No, no.
Ratbag: A buffalo with an aqualung.
Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Reginald Maudling.
Quizmaster: (Pause) Yes, that’s near enough. I’ll give you that. (Piano) Right, now you have won tonight’s star prize. Do you still want the blow on the head?
Ratbag: Oh, yes please, Michael.
Quizmaster: (Deliberate Pause) I’m offering you a poke in the eye…
Ratbag: No no.
Quizmaster: All right then, a punch in the throat.
Ratbag: No.
Quizmaster: My very last offer Mrs. Scum – a knee in the temple and a dagger up the clitoris! (Piano)
(Audience cries of “Take the Money!” etc.)
Ratbag: That’s very tempting, I’ve never had one up there before! No, I’ll still have the blow on the head.
Quizmaster: Right, the blow on the head. Mrs. Scum, you have won tonight’s star prize, the blow on the (cackles)
(16 ton weight falls on Ratbag)