Transcribed by Jonathan Partington
Bailiff (Cleese): I’m sorry I’m late, m’lud, I couldn’t find a kosher car park. Don’t bother to recap, m’lud, I’ll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.
(Enter Chapman, in drag)
Fiona Lewis (Chapman): I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, I said, they can’t afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and sixpence a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don’t know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she’s had with her you-know-what, anyway, it was a white wedding, much to everyone’s surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you’ve got to be cruel to be kind, so Mrs Harris said, so she said she said she said, a dead crab she said she said? well her sister’s gone to Rhodesia, what with her womb and all, and her youngest, fit as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish, they’ve got whooping-cough, they keep spitting water at the Bratbys, well they do, don’t they, I mean, you can’t, can you, I mean they’re not even married or anything, they’re not even divorced, and he’s in the KGB if you ask me, he says he’s a tree surgoen, but I don’t like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, well, his mother’s been much better since she had her head off, don’t you talk to me about bladders, I said…