From “Monty Python’s Contractual Obligations Album”
Transcribed by R. “Gumby” Preston
MAN: (entering a shop) Um, excuse me, is this the undertaker’s?
UNDERTAKER: Yup, that’s right, what can I do for you, squire?
M: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother has just died and I’m not quite sure what I should do.
U: Ah, well, we can ‘elp you. We deal with stiffs.
M: (aghast) Stiffs?
U: Yea. Now there’s three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
M: Dump her?
U: Dump her in the Thames.
M: (still aghast) What?
U: Oh, did you like her?
M: Yes!
U: Oh well, we won’t dump her, then. Well, what do you think: burn her, or bury her?
M: Um, well, um, which would you recommend?
U: Well they’re both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she’s not quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
M: (timidly) Oh.
U: Or, if you don’t wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she’ll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn’t so hot if, as I said, she’s not quite dead.
M: I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I’m not very sure. She’s definitely dead.
U: Where is she?
M: In the sack.
U: Let’s ‘ave a look.
(FX: rustle of bag opening)
U: Umm, she looks quite young.
M: Yes, she was.
U: (over his shoulder) FRED!
F: (offstage) Yea!
U: I THINK WE’VE GOT AN EATER!
F: (offstage) I’ll get the oven on!
M: Um, er…excuse me, um, are you… are you suggesting we should eat my mother?
(pause)
U: Yeah. Not raw, not raw. We cook her. She’d be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his lips)
M: What! (he stammers)
(pause)
M: Actually, I do feel a bit peckish - No! NO, I can’t!
U: Look, we’ll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.
M: All right.