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From “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”

Transcribed by Jonathan Partington

Scene: a 1920s-style drawing room

Chapman: I say!

Cleveland: Yes, Daddy?

Chapman: Croquet hoops look dam’ pretty this afternoon.

Cleveland: Frightfully damn pretty.

Idle (as her mother): They’re coming along awfully well this year.

Chapman: Yes, better than your Aunt Lavinia’s croquet hoops.

Cleveland: Ugh! Dreadful tin things.

Idle: I did tell her to stick to wood.

Chapman: Yes, you can’t beat wood. Gorn.

Idle: What’s gone, dear?

Chapman: Nothing, nothing – just like the word, it gives me confidence. Gorn. Gorn – it’s got a sort of woody quality about it. Gorn. Go-o-orn. Much better than ‘newspaper’ or ‘litter bin’.

Cleveland: Ugh! Frightful words!

Idle: Perfectly dreadful!

Chapman: ‘Newspaper’ – ‘litter bin’ – ‘litter bin’ – dreadful tinny sort of word.

(Cleveland screams)

Chapman: Tin, tin, tin.

Idle: Oh, don’t say ‘tin’ to Rebecca, you know how it upsets her.

Chapman: Sorry, old horse.

Idle: ‘Sausage.’

Chapman: ‘Sausage’! There’s a good woody sort of word, ‘sausage’. ‘Gorn.’

Cleveland: ‘Antelope!’

Chapman: Where? On the lawn?

Cleveland: No, no, Daddy. Just the word.

Chapman: Don’t want antelope nibbling the hoops.

Cleveland: No, no – ‘ant-e-lope’. Sort of nice and woody type of thing.

Idle: Don’t think so, Becky old chap.

Chapman: No, no – ‘antelope’ - ‘antelope’, tinny sort of word.

(Cleveland screams)

Chapman: Oh, sorry old man.

Idle: Really, Mansfield.

Chapman: Well, she’s got to come to terms with these things. ‘Seemly.’ ‘Prodding.’ ‘Vac-u-um.’ ‘Leap.’

Cleveland: Oh – hate ‘leap’.

Idle: Perfectly dreadful.

Cleveland: Sort of PVC sort of word, don’t you know.

Idle: Lower middle.

Chapman: ‘Bound!’

Idle: Now you’re talking!

Chapman: ‘Bound.’ ‘Vole!’ ‘Recidivist!’

Idle: Bit tinny

(Cleveland screams and rushes out sobbing)

Idle: Oh, sorry, Becky old beast.

Chapman: Oh dear, I suppose she’ll be gorn for a few days now.

Idle: Caribou.

Chapman: Splendid word!

Idle: No, dear, nibbling the hoops.

(Chapman fires a shotgun)

Chapman: (with satisfaction) Caribou – gorn… ‘Intercourse.’

Idle: Later, dear.

Chapman: No, no – the word, ‘intercourse’. Good and woody. ‘Inter-course.’ ‘Pert,’ ‘pert,’ ‘thighs,’ ‘botty,’ ‘botty,’ ‘botty’ (getting excited), ‘erogenous zo-o-one’. Ha ha ha ha – oh, ‘concubine’, ‘erogenous zo-o-one’, ‘loose woman’, ‘erogenous zone’…

(Idle calmly empties a bucket of water over Chapman)

Chapman: Oh, thank you, dear. There’s a funny thing, dear – all the naughty words sound woody.

Idle: Really, dear – how about ‘tit’?

Chapman: Oh dear, I hadn’t thought about that. ‘Tit.’ ‘Tit.’ Oh, that’s very tinny, isn’t it? ‘Tit.’ ‘Tit.’ Tinny, tinny.

(Cleveland, who has just come in, screams and rushes out again)

Chapman: Oh dear. ‘Ocelot.’ ‘Was-p.’ ‘Yowling.’ Oh dear, I’m bored. Better go and have a bath, I suppose.

Idle: Oh really, must you, dear – you’ve had nine today.

Chapman: All right – I’ll sack one of the servants. Simpkins! Nasty tinny sort of name. SIMPKINS!

(Enter Palin, in RAF uniform)

Palin: I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny.

Idle: Sorry dear, don’t understand.

Palin: Er – cow-catchers creeping up on the conning towers?

Idle: No, sorry old sport.

Palin: Um – caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops.

Idle: Yes, Mansfield shot one in the antlers.